FOR YOU…I WILL WAIT

(Some days I just need to break open my special “Hope-List” journal and remind myself of what God has waiting ahead for me : )

THE MAN OF MY HOPES

Processed with RookieI desire…

A handsome man after God’s heart❤

A man who boldly lives his faith in Christ; who is 100% sold-out for His cause; who is completely unashamed of the Gospel (the FULL Gospel) and will exercise his gifts; a man who is a leader and someone of noble character; a man who is a doer of the Word & not merely just a hearer; a man who is obedient to God & His word no matter the cost; a man who will weep with those who weep and care for the broken-hearted, the destitute, the lonely, the sick, and hurting; a man who will be able to teach & preach God’s word and who really lives out what he believes; a man who is hospitable; a man who is accountable to other godly men for his life, heart-attitude, and actions; a repentant & humble man and someone I can laugh together with; a man with a clean & pure heart; a man who respects and honors me, women, and authority and also someone who loves children & the rejected of society. And most importantly…a man who reveres, honors, and loves the Lord above anyTHING or anyONE else!

And, for this man…I will wait.

 

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CATERFLY CAPTURES–AUTUMN

“My name is Autumn and here’s a snapshot of my Caterfly Story….    

photo cred: Kara Dicarlo

photo cred: Kara Dicarlo

So many people ask me why I am obsessed with butterflies? Why they are in my room, on my walls, and in my car? Why they are tattooed all over this “perfect” pastor’s daughter and why they are so important to me? Well, this “perfect pastors daughter” didn’t always have it so perfect–still don’t and that’s what people don’t see. It’s also the beginning of my Caterfly story…

I’m 19 years old and I used to feel like I’ve lived 100 years…fear will drain you like that, if you let. When I was little, I struggled with something called, “Separation Anxiety Disorder.” It wasn’t that bad…Or so I thought. It started when my mom became pregnant with my little sister. Then we needed to find a new home. Then my parents BOTH got a new job. And, THEN I had to go to a different school and THEN, the panic started. That was a lot of change for me then and my life also dramatically changed from that point on.

I can remember my dad pulling up to the school in our car and me just sweating bullets in the leather seats. Fear would come up through the palm of my hands and bottoms of my feet–it was a never-ending nightmare. My dad had to walk me into school while I was sweating and squeezing his arms each step of the way. The whole dropping me off for school thing…no longer worked for me.

Everyday I walked into that school making eye contact with my teachers, principals, and counselors and everyday I’d hear the same question, “Autumn, are we gonna have a easy day or hard one?” Funny thing is, there never had been an easy day. I would turn my head and start to panic and waited to feel more than just my dad’s hand wrap around my small body. I waited to feel them rip my arms away from him…and this was every day for 2-3 years.

AutumnI became physically sick every day at that elementary age because the panic attacks and adrenaline were tearing my body apart. The day came where my mom said, “We just can’t do this to her anymore, we are done.” I left school that day and didn’t return until seven years later. Seven years of not leaving my mom’s side. Seven years of panic attacks and horrible moments. Seven years of going on every date, pastors conference and counseling meetings with my parents. Seven years of doing whatever my mom was doing and going WHEREVER she went because…I couldn’t be without her. Seven years of sitting on the toilet while my mom showered because being outside the door would just be way too far away.

During those seven years, I felt like I completely lost my identity. I didn’t know who I was anymore and I didn’t care. I wanted this life to just stop, even if for only a couple of seconds.

How did I come out of the fear hole? Continue reading

HOPE FOR EATING DISORDERS